Wadley 2: Circus de Mescalito

After a couple days of decompressing of psychic and physical
cleansing, I was ready to wander out into the desert to check on the
peace sign of stone I’d started about a year ago and confer with Senor
Mescalito over the true nature of the soul, reality, and becoming free
from the known. I brought along Jiddu Krishnamurti’s book “Freedom
from the Known” as a guide. I’ve read this before, but some of the
concepts were too complex for my feeble mind to grasp, so I thought
maybe the peyote cactus might help me focus more intently.

Another subject I wanted to concentrate on while on this trip was
whether or not I still wanted to make film. I studied film and have a
degree, but have yet to actually do much with it. The reason I haven’t
done anything with it is a mystery that’s troubled me for some time.
I’ve speculated that perhaps I was too afraid of failure. Or, perhaps
the original reason I’d set out on that path is no longer valid. For
example, I think sometimes we’re told something when we’re young or
otherwise get some idea in our heads that set us off on a particular
path for several years without fully examining if it’s something we
really want to do. Or, rather sort of a subconscious blueprint that
may or may not truly be where our hearts are at.

So, after putting on think layers of sun screen and while walking out
into the desert toward the location of my stone peace sign on a
beautiful Sunday afternoon, I figured I better get started with this
quandary.

I supposed I’d be thinking about this for weeks before I had an
answer. To my surprise, within 2-3 minutes I had the answer. I
thought, “No way! That’s just too simple.” What came to me was that
all of the analysis of the past, exploring possible subconscious
triggers, whether or not I was being governed by fear, etc. was all a
waste of time and rather silly. None of that mattered. It was no
longer important to discover why i hadn’t done anything yet. All that
mattered was here and now. All I needed to decide was if I wanted to
make film now.

I do like narrative storytelling, am told I’m skilled with image
creation, and am incredibly fascinated with creative use of sound.
Seems to make logical sense that I’d try to wrap all those disciplines
together, stop speculating and concentrate on at least attempting a
film. Problem solved!

I arrived at the peace sign to discover it still intact and then set
out to see if Mescalito would favor me with a quick and easy search
for peyote cactus.

He did. I’m usually searching a good half hour or so before I’ve found
him dusty and hiding beneath some thorny brambles. But this time it
was within a few minutes and without a single thorn puncture through
my sandals. No painful sacrifice at all!

After cleaning the poisonous bits away, I gobbled up 3 bitter plants
with the help of an orange to mask the taste.

I listened to the Krishnamurti audio book while busying myself with
adding more stones to the peace sign project.

Finally, I believe I got it. So challenging and somewhat torturous it
was to deeply consider the nature of one’s own programming and
perceived self. I can’t distill what i experienced in words quite yet,
but when I stopped in the late afternoon sun staring at the sacred
mountain the Huichole Indians call Quemado and concentrated on
Krishnamurti’s words “The observer IS the observed.” I had the moment
of pure clarity I was looking for. Not a comfortable thing to give up
your self completely, but oh so worth it.

I spent the rest of that glorious Sunday afternoon digesting all of
this and trying to cement the memory for future contemplation while
lightening the load with poquita musica. The implications of what I’d
understood out there beneath Quemado were far reaching. I can’t say I
absolutely understood all and I will likely never achieve complete
understanding. But this was the furthest I’d gone in my understanding
and will certainly continue the pursuit. Honestly, I can’t say why,
but I hope I never fully understand. :-)

The hike back to Wadley was timed with a magnificent setting sun. As I
continued the contemplation, I was also very much looking forward to
lazing the twilight away in my hammock.